Fear.

Fear.

Surrender.

Just do it, unbelievable things will happen. I promise.

It’s been a tough season, but I’m so thankful 2019 has arrived, because I’m letting go.

I didn’t know this is what letting go would feel like. It feels like I’m going numb to it all, yet I’m full of excitement and contentment for the future and my future endeavors. I haven’t felt like this since I was a kid, I feel free again, the burdens of the world aren’t so heavy anymore. This liberation is wonderful, but it feels strange to have finally separated myself from fear. How could a four letter word so simple, be so complex and overcoming? I’m just grateful I realized that fear was all it was the whole time, a fear of living and a fear of dreaming of the unknown.

It took me long enough, but I’m moving on. Suddenly the idea of the unknown feels a lot better than the what ifs and the what could bees. I’m stepping out into the moonlight, finally chasing the sun.

I’m letting go.

And if you think that means of you, it’s probably of you too. It’s too late, I’m going with confidence into the unknown. I’ve become welcoming of the failures that will come, it’s inevitable, and it’s fine because they keep moving me forward. Now I’m just along for the ride, because you’ll never know if what awaits you behind the door to the unknown is what your heart truly desires.

And what if it is?

I’ve been trying to fight the feelings of happiness, because something about it just doesn’t feel right, its surreal even. I’ve been talking to my old self lately, asking myself if I’m even deserving of this new life, of this new found happiness that showered down on me after the storm.

Is this the real me?

I don’t have that who am I feeling anymore. Yea, I’m letting go of that too. I’m done with the this lifestyle doesn’t fit me thingbecause I’ve been there, done that. I’m choosing to sway to my own tempo, ride my own wave in my sweat pants, with my hair fro’d, I’ve grown so tired of the what was me. So, reminisce with me.

This is me.

It’s crazy, because I feel like I’m evolving at a speed that I myself can’t even keep up with. Who I am today is far different than who I was a year ago, a week ago and even different from who I was yesterday. It’s fine, because I don’t feel like the possibilities of who I can become are limited. It’s all in the choices that I choose to make. I choose to continue to stay genuine, sincere and true to myself, because that’s what brings the fruits and a list of endless possibilities.

I just don’t ever want to loose myself again, in a way where my true identity is compromised. I’ve learned that losing yourself in that way, is way too easy. What’s hard is making the decision to search for yourself, even harder is finding yourself over and over again. In that strange place where you end up, there’s a lot of digging deep and quieting your mind long enough to hear the real you. Maybe you just have choose to lose yourself for the right reasons, or for the right person, but how could you ever know what’s right or who’s right when it all feels right in that moment?

And that’s just where you should live, because there’s no other time but right now. I’ve been here, tying to expand my journey, trying to expand my path to places I haven’t seen and people I haven’t met. I learned to stop limiting myself, by doubting myself, because in life there are no ceilings. Only the ones that you choose to create. I was in my head for too long, a prisoner of my own mind even, but I had to choose to unleash all sides of myself to achieve greater things.

I had to learn how to manifest greatness, cultivate my creativity and get out of my routines. At a time, I used to swear by routine. I felt like it made everything feel a lot easier, and maybe it does make life easier because it helps to pass the time.

But that’s the thing, nothing in life worth anything comes easy and we’re all so desperately trying to pass the time as if time is something that we could get back. Life is transient, each day the world is still turning and in that same time we’re growing and evolving.

Can you feel it?

I’ve been paying close attention to the evolution of it all, how I just had to change my mindset for my whole world to change. Maybe I should wake up every morning and ask myself what my state of mind is, then switch gears to the right one. I had to slow myself down a little bit, just like they all said, learn how to go with the flow. Feel my emotions, accept them for what they are, breathe, and let them go. I guess I just didn’t get it before, I couldn’t really feel what it meant. To me it just means that I have to just stay in my world, and be more mindful not to get wrapped up in the worlds of others. It’s finally all making sense.

Can you really feel it?

They keep on saying tis the season, and this year I couldn’t even catch the spirit, because it felt like more of a season of self awareness and growth. I’m smiling inside, because I already know that 2019 is going to be one amazing year. I pray that all the seeds I’ve planted, and nurtured with the lessons I’ve learned, will grow into deep rooted tall trees, with the most beautiful flowers.

So 2018, this is my reflection: I finally accept you for what you were and all you’ve done for me, you’ve shaped me into a better me. Take me 2019, I’m ready, I surrender.💋

2 thoughts on “Fear.

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